The following information is in no way intended to entertain or please you, it is simply for you to get an idea; a very small one, of the types of things that are wrapped inside my head... at the end is ur officially warning;; READ ON..
Coming out wasnt a challenge. Finding the right woman wasnt a thought. ifigured whomever fell into my lap be it a well known name or a new one iwould flow with it.
Being myself has never been a challenge. Except around family. Lets not forget my grandfather is a Christian Preacher raised Baptist that now has a very twisted view on life and how this should be lived but this my friend is a story for a later date.
My mother being gay wasnt a factor nor was it brought to my attention until the age of 16. Also the same year ilost my virginity to a boy that resembled a younger 50cent &whom ithought was "so hood" in my mostly white city. He came from a school farther north but the southern part of even that city was and is what people in WA call the hood. Rainier Beach at the time was one of the more ethnic schools and when he spewed off his "gang lingo" and ran his hands through his fresh waves and flashed his braces covered smile oooohh weeee lemmie tell you iwas hooked. One thing led to another and as a dancer, a musician, a singer and an honor roll student ifelt the need to immediately fall into line with the girls loosing their "v cards". It was planned as most things are in my life [being a virgo] down to my outfit.. his place; around 12pm, october 11th. with my tan velour fitted outfit and matching tan timbs; white lacy tank top hair neatly curled and pinned away from my face to ensure no hair in the way of kissing iwalked to his parents door and knocked. he answered with a smile.. the latest Jordans on with the matching shorts and a beater on.. iwalked in and to his room we went. he had mesmorize by Ashanti and Ja Rule playing softly.. he knew iliked that song. things happened quick and ileft promptly as his parents were to be home soon. the next day at school iknew everyone knew. this was just the begining of a long stressful journey to find ME.
Getting married is what Americans do right? hmm well at least that is what you are taught to think if you lived under my grandfathers roof. fall in love with a boy; get married have a baby; get a dog.. live happily ever after.. lets go through that list again ; fall in love with a boy? hmmm thought idid .. marry him? CHECK have a baby? CHECK get a dog? CHECK live happily ever after? wait wait wait is that before or after he sleeps with a 15 year old? hmm im thinking DiVORCE is the next step? CHECK. after 6 years of being in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship igot me and my babygirl the hell outta there.
Girls go lesbian because they are sick of men right? Well not me. i knew from junior high in the locker room iwas attracted to girls.. the way a girl fastens her bra... they way she sweeps her hair out of the way to put her backpack on OOOOOHHHH MAN... anyways.. these are thoughts ihad daily but pushed aside and managed to get by with dating top athletes in school and hanging out with all the pretty girls secretly wishing one of them would just shut up with all the bullshit and kiss me already...the first girl iever kissed was a big secret... it was a dare but hell iwas happy to oblige! She is still a good friend of mine and never knew the wiser! making out with her was the highlight of 9th grade!
Orgasms?!?! What are those? yes i asked this question until about 3 months ago when iexperienced my very first one. Most people were astounished and lost for words when they heard this. but ididnt think anything of it. as a matter of fact ihated sex previous and rarely engaged in it at all. after my daughter was born that was pretty much the end of sex for me.. and damn sure was the end of penetration being on my to do list. and iguess thats when ipushed women to the front of my menu.
so now that you see how disorganized and eventful my life is in just a few paragraphs do you think you can keep up? Welcome to the Mind of Deception where just when you think you have me figured out.. the truth comes flying at you faster than most of you can handle and the few that can... congrats.. BE AWARE;; iWiLL post like crazy and say whatever iplease.. get mad happy or embarrassed... idont really see why that matters.
Coming out wasnt a challenge. Finding the right woman wasnt a thought. ifigured whomever fell into my lap be it a well known name or a new one iwould flow with it.
Being myself has never been a challenge. Except around family. Lets not forget my grandfather is a Christian Preacher raised Baptist that now has a very twisted view on life and how this should be lived but this my friend is a story for a later date.
My mother being gay wasnt a factor nor was it brought to my attention until the age of 16. Also the same year ilost my virginity to a boy that resembled a younger 50cent &whom ithought was "so hood" in my mostly white city. He came from a school farther north but the southern part of even that city was and is what people in WA call the hood. Rainier Beach at the time was one of the more ethnic schools and when he spewed off his "gang lingo" and ran his hands through his fresh waves and flashed his braces covered smile oooohh weeee lemmie tell you iwas hooked. One thing led to another and as a dancer, a musician, a singer and an honor roll student ifelt the need to immediately fall into line with the girls loosing their "v cards". It was planned as most things are in my life [being a virgo] down to my outfit.. his place; around 12pm, october 11th. with my tan velour fitted outfit and matching tan timbs; white lacy tank top hair neatly curled and pinned away from my face to ensure no hair in the way of kissing iwalked to his parents door and knocked. he answered with a smile.. the latest Jordans on with the matching shorts and a beater on.. iwalked in and to his room we went. he had mesmorize by Ashanti and Ja Rule playing softly.. he knew iliked that song. things happened quick and ileft promptly as his parents were to be home soon. the next day at school iknew everyone knew. this was just the begining of a long stressful journey to find ME.
Getting married is what Americans do right? hmm well at least that is what you are taught to think if you lived under my grandfathers roof. fall in love with a boy; get married have a baby; get a dog.. live happily ever after.. lets go through that list again ; fall in love with a boy? hmmm thought idid .. marry him? CHECK have a baby? CHECK get a dog? CHECK live happily ever after? wait wait wait is that before or after he sleeps with a 15 year old? hmm im thinking DiVORCE is the next step? CHECK. after 6 years of being in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship igot me and my babygirl the hell outta there.
Girls go lesbian because they are sick of men right? Well not me. i knew from junior high in the locker room iwas attracted to girls.. the way a girl fastens her bra... they way she sweeps her hair out of the way to put her backpack on OOOOOHHHH MAN... anyways.. these are thoughts ihad daily but pushed aside and managed to get by with dating top athletes in school and hanging out with all the pretty girls secretly wishing one of them would just shut up with all the bullshit and kiss me already...the first girl iever kissed was a big secret... it was a dare but hell iwas happy to oblige! She is still a good friend of mine and never knew the wiser! making out with her was the highlight of 9th grade!
Orgasms?!?! What are those? yes i asked this question until about 3 months ago when iexperienced my very first one. Most people were astounished and lost for words when they heard this. but ididnt think anything of it. as a matter of fact ihated sex previous and rarely engaged in it at all. after my daughter was born that was pretty much the end of sex for me.. and damn sure was the end of penetration being on my to do list. and iguess thats when ipushed women to the front of my menu.
so now that you see how disorganized and eventful my life is in just a few paragraphs do you think you can keep up? Welcome to the Mind of Deception where just when you think you have me figured out.. the truth comes flying at you faster than most of you can handle and the few that can... congrats.. BE AWARE;; iWiLL post like crazy and say whatever iplease.. get mad happy or embarrassed... idont really see why that matters.
Resa,
ReplyDeleteJust. Wow. The blog entry is very matter-of-fact but very insightful, and I have a greater appreciation for who you are as a person . . . Impressive! I look forward to reading more.
As for the poem, you rendered me speechless, and I think a tear may have fallen. Well done!
aka--@RoyalRiter1
awww thanks hun -- means alot that you felt my poem and liked my post! more to come so follow the blog and keep coming back!
ReplyDeleteWow! Your poem was incredible!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I have to say as someone who's known you for well over ten years I've learned a little bit about you I didn't know. Nothing that surprised me but it does give me some sort of peace knowing that you've accepted it and found yourself at the same time!
And I'm proud to have been your first girl kiss! ;) Love ya babe! Keep it up!
hahaaha thnk "L" love u hun
ReplyDelete